Hi, I’m Candy Crush. But you can call me Candy.
I’ve seen you around the place. Here and there. Oh, just when you were flicking through the App Store the other week. Maybe you’ve seen me? I know a few of your friends.
You look like fun. Maybe we could do something sometime. Whenever – I’m free to download.
Now? Sure. You move fast.
Don’t be nervous now. There’s no need. Relax. Just open me up. I know this is your first time but I can show you exactly what to do.
Put your finger on the screen, just like you would with every other app. I’m touch sensitive, you know.
Move your finger up, down or side-to-side and you’ll find the right spot. Don’t worry – I’ll let you know. You can be gentle. Or hard. I don’t mind. The screen will crack before I do.
Just go at your own pace. I can wait. We can go a bit further each time.
You’re having fun, aren’t you? I can tell. You’re a natural – believe me.
I can feel you pushing further inside me, taking it to new levels. Where’d you get that confidence? 12 levels without having to restart? You’re incredible. Keep going, keep going.
What happened? You lost a life? Don’t worry. You’ve got more of them. Don’t lose your rhythm.
Oh no! You lost another one? Sweetie, are you ok? Here, have a booster. That’ll get you going again.
There you are. See? Don’t let a little awkwardness ruin the whole thing. That’s more like it.
God, that didn’t take you long! You’re ploughing through my levels again. I can barely keep up with you. My God, I swear I’ve never been played this well before — your fingers are everywhere. We’re making sweet candy together. Don’t you feel it? My God my God my God!
I said STOP.
Why? We’ve reached level 35, so I say we stop. I don’t need to explain myself.
You haven’t told any of your friends that we play together. You’re not embarrassed, are you? I thought that you liked spending time with me. I thought that you loved being together.
You do? Prove it. I want you to tell people, on Facebook. Either that, or your going to have to wait for as long as I say.
See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?
Yes, I do feel better. I’m sorry if you think I overreacted, but you mean so much to me – what we have together is so great – and I want people to know. Can you forgive me? I knew you would.
Oh, this is so good! Why did we ever fight? I know I can be difficult, but I can’t help it. I can tell you understand me. You want me, don’t you, baby?
Wait. You think I’m getting too difficult?
OK. I’m sorry. I assumed that you didn’t mind making a bit of an effort – that I was worth some of your time and, God forbid, a bit of your brainpower. Clearly I was wrong.
You players are all the same; you’re happy when I’m giving it away, but the second I want something more from you, when I want you to stretch yourself just the tiniest amount, you start snivelling like the entitled little shi-
Oh, so you’re leaving, are you? Just going to shut me down and forget about me? Like I didn’t expect that. Can’t hack it when little Candy starts giving it as good as she gets. Lose a few lives and you start stamping your feet and screaming for a nappy change.
Well, go on, then. Quit. Do I look worried? You’ll be back. Just wait.